Newsletter #3
Writing these monthly newsletters is an interesting exercise. I try to synthesise the thoughts I have over this period with clarity, which is proving difficult as I find that over several weeks my attitude towards painting and my emotional state changes considerably!
I’m in a pretty good mood now but most of the month has been a little stressful, particularly regarding the cost of living and housing situation in Sydney. Some days I worry how I’ll keep up with it all. This, coupled with a busy end of term, has resulted in a patchy, rather forced period of painting. It hasn’t been flowing. I have discovered that I am not a fast-moving person. I’m slow and I suppose, quite sensitive. I think that’s why painting is so important for me, not just for the escapism, but more for the processing of my thoughts. I know the more that I paint the better I feel about the world. Even if the painting isn’t going well, painting terribly is still better than not doing it at all. I suppose the biggest cause of stress I have is the feeling of stagnation, that I’m not producing the paintings that I envisioned I would be despite my efforts.
On a slightly different note, I’ve had these strange moments when I wake up in the night just in complete awe and terror of existing in this world. It is such an unusual feeling. I really do not know how to describe it accurately. It’s intense, foreign and it doesn’t help that it happens at night. It isn’t particularly unpleasant either. Basically, I just feel this overwhelming wonder of the universe, the whole thing. The fact that we are here at all, that there’s all this matter out there flying around in multiple directions all at once. The concept of time, the sheer randomness of everything. The triviality of human life. I just can’t fathom it all, it beguiles me, and I wish I could make sense of it. The benefit of these thoughts is, although a little unsettling, they certainly put things into perspective, and it helps to assuage the stress that I mentioned above. It also reminds me to be more grateful about my situation, the fact that I can pursue this life at all. And considering we are on the topic of gratitude this is a good chance to thank my brother Ben who has been working hard building my new website! Thanks for reading and hope you’re all doing well out there.
Jackson
