Newsletter #2
Hello.
It has been a while since I changed my painting process. I have had some incredibly frustrating days. It is difficult to express the rage which I feel when I have ideas in my head that I am unable to communicate through painting. It feels like I am blocked, trapped, and incapable of expressing my feelings. Then I spiral.
Time is scarce and I feel obliged to be as productive as possible when there’s time for painting. When it is not working, I feel like a failure. I’m not earning money during this time. I could be doing something that does. The cost of everything increases and I’m just sitting there, unable to lift a brush to a canvas.
And that’s all it is, applying paint on a surface – how can this be so hard? I try to break the gloom of procrastination by telling myself “I’ll try something slightly different – a new colour” and if I’m lucky I might focus for 30 minutes, but then I come crashing back to the start. Futile. This feeling lingers for days, then weeks, if not longer. That’s when I really start to question my ability. Is this it? I can’t do better than this? Is this “my best”? It hurts.
But what else is there to do but keep going? There’s something that just keeps reeling me in. Even when I say that I want to give up or that I can’t do better, I know deep down that I won’t stop. It’s addictive. There’s hope that one day I’ll be able to create images that resonate with others. All my thoughts and emotions about life will be shared with others instead of being restrained inside.
Then slowly the peace returns without any real reason. A sense of calm that rises and turns into pure pleasure. It feels like recent frustrations are a distant bad dream. There’s clarity, warmth, and everything in life looks more beautiful and colourful. The mind races in excitement with possibilities and ambition. The sense of optimism is intoxicating and this current moment in life feels absolutely perfect, like everything has come together in harmony.
I feel genuine solidarity in my correspondence with you out there. I know that a lot of you experience the same feelings, no matter your occupation, and it has warmed my soul to share these thoughts with you – as we all try to make sense of the ebbs and flows of life.
Until next time,
Jackson
